15 Unpleasant Scenarios That You Can Now Avoid Since You’re On a Plane.

Ladies and gentlemen, scenarios avoided on a plane - we’re now cruising at 10,000 meters. Put that seat back if you fancy, pull out your table, and send your eyes this way for a quick introduction. I expect there are some nervous fliers out there – congrats to those guys for making it this far, by the way – it’s not easy, I know – used to get armies of butterflies myself before I started here, if you can believe that now – so between the Captain and us in Crew, we’ve been wondering how we can ease those people’s nerves further. Take a look in your seat pocket? See that laminate card in blue and green? That’s a special little something we put together to ease your nerves further. It’s a list of all the things you don’t need to worry about now you’re here. Take a good look when the drinks come round, and once you’re done you’ll be begging us not to land.

1. Check-in

Ever get that antsy feeling, all panicked by the thought of checking in? You’re praying your transfers to go smoothly, you’ve got to get the timings right, it’s been hours since you ate and you’re starving but don’t want to buy anything in departures because you want a free in-flight meal instead. Your bag’s too heavy. You put your water in the wrong case. You joined the wrong queue for security. Maybe you’re going to miss your flight. Except – guess what? – that’s all over with now! No more check-in stress for you, because you’re sitting here on this plane. You made it, and the fussing is behind you. (Well, at least until it comes to the journey back.)

2. Sunburn

Crazy, isn’t it? We’re about to get closer to the sun than you’d ever be on the ground, but your skin is feeling peachy. Forget sunscreen: cover yourself in a protective layer of Boeing 747 and, even in the skimpiest swimwear, you can keep the threat of UV burns at bay.

3. Traffic jams

Road raging drivers, furious bicyclists, lights permanently fixed on red – that nonsense is not for you. Not anymore. Instead, we’re moving free and uninterrupted. Put your feet up. Enjoy the view. On your left, mountains stretching for hundreds of miles. To your right, a tranquil sea. Not a shaking fist or a bird-flipper to be found.

4. Plagues of locusts

Imagine this scenario: lunch is cooking away, you’re pegging out the washing, admiring the flowers and vegetable patch as you go… when a huge, dark cloud of swarming insects blows into your vision, advancing quickly, smacking into your face and hair, clambering over your ears, then devouring every living thing in sight. Gross! Terrifying! But possible! Unless you’re on a plane. That’s right. Airplanes: plague-free, and proud. Want more scenarios avoided on a plane? Read on...

5. Engaging in conversation with the guy who lives over the road

You don’t know how he does it. Every day, just when you think the coast is clear and head out of the doorway, that overly friendly, slightly stare-y, neighbor appears in your eye line. As always, he wants to talk about ‘the parking situation.’ As always, he says it’ll be quick. But you know it won’t be. Take a look around you now. Can you see him now? Are you finally free? Yeehaw! Thank goodness for air travel! (Disclaimer: if, by some bizarre quirk of fate, your strange neighbor is, in fact, on board please let us know – we’ll put him in the hold for you. We’re the cabin crew. We can do that.)

6. Standing up

When was the last time you really enjoyed standing up? Like, hours of just standing up? Think back to the last time you stood in a queue, for example. Be honest, now. It sucked. Which is all the more reason to love the fact that, as long as you’re on this plane you have your own personal seat all to yourself? Mmm. Sink in. Delightful.

7. Floods

Scientific fact: water is the exact opposite of the sky. Meaning: as long as you’re in the sky you’re not in water. Meaning: right now, you are flood-proof! Embrace it! Embrace that sky!

8. Shark attack

We’ve seen the movie Sharknado, and after running it past our intelligence team we can confirm that, unlike our previous info on floods, this movie is NOT scientifically accurate. Sharks will not fall out of the sky to kill you, folks. They can’t. Why? Because sharks belong to the water which, as we know, is the exact opposite of the sky. You’re safe from sharks here and always will be. Period.

9. The Black Friday sales

Yes, we know, sometimes the rush for the bathroom just before landing can be a little hectic – but that’s about as hectic as it gets. We promise you: on this plane, no one’s going to rush around with any discount 55-inch TVs, whacking you around the head with them as they scramble towards the cashier. You do feel the need to spend, please consult the shopping pages of our in-flight magazine. When you’re ready to make your purchase, we’ll bring the cashier to you.

10. Stampeding elephants

Speaking of chaotic frenzies you won’t encounter in the sky, we have yet to hear of any pachyderms charging down the aisles, mid-flight. That’s very much how we’d like things to stay. And unless our rules on therapy pets change we’re confident we’ll get our way.

11. Politics

Maybe you’re one of those travelers who like the grind and mud-slinging of politics today. So, enjoy your newspaper, but maybe keep the debates to yourself. The rest of us will enjoy the peace and quiet of this untouchable, jet-powered bubble. More scenarios avoided on a plane...

12. Bank robbery

In case you were wondering, we don’t have banks on board. Ergo, any bank robbers should stay in their seats and watch the next series of Family Guy until they fall asleep.

13. Office gossip

Here’s an experiment for you. If you get a little bored mid-flight, call me or someone else in the crew and ask what we think about how your presentation to accounts went last Wednesday. Or what our thoughts are on Tracy’s new haircut (better or worse than Debby’s?). Or if we too are struggling to get to grips with the latest updates to the intranet. I’m telling you now: you won’t get far. And slowly, but surely, as you look back at our confused yet friendly faces, you’ll feel your oppressive work life start to lift.

14. Zombie apocalypse (unless one of the Infected has snuck onto the plane!)

Patient Zero has already started tearing chunks out of everyone around them, rabidly stalking the streets and shrieking gobbledegook through their flaking, foamy lips, they can threaten the skies all they like but we won’t hear a peep. Our windows and doors are zombie resistant, people!

15. Doing the dishes

The scourge of daily life: the tedious, crusty ying to your every meal’s yang. But it’s not your problem now, folks! That’s right, we’ve saved the best ’til last: no doing dishes for any of your passengers. Is there anything sweeter than that? Scenarios Avoided on a Plane, you can imagine, right? Need more flying fun? Check this out. Why not explore all our posts on Travel.